A few years ago, my wife, Catherine, and I, along with some other couples took a dance class:  ballroom/swing dance. I’m sorry to say that I don’t remember a lot of the steps, but I do remember something which I found very helpful and which I hope will be helpful to you.

            At the very first lesson, the instructor gave a lecture on the “theory of dance.” He began by saying that when a man and a woman come together on the dance-floor, they are no longer to be thought of as two independent individuals; they come together and form one complete unit. He emphasized the fact that we, as a dance couple, must think of ourselves as one unit --- not as two individuals dancing with each other, but as one unit moving as one, dancing as one. So, for example, he said that when the man takes a step forward with his left foot and the woman steps backward with her right foot, this should not be thought of as two individual, independent steps but as one unified step. I thought to myself, “This is very interesting.”

            He went on next to tell us men that, in this one unit, the male partner leads the steps of the dance, and that the female partner would be following our lead in response. But he also warned us men that with this role of leadership and direction comes the responsibility for the dance. In other words, because we would have the leadership role, we would be responsible and accountable for the quality and beauty and fun of the dance. I thought to myself, “This is really interesting.”

            The instructor then taught us about how to lead in the dance. He made the point that the man’s left hand, generally his weaker hand, holds the woman’s right hand, generally her stronger hand. This is to show that, though the man has the lead in the dance, he is not to lead by overpowering the woman but by gently guiding her movement through the steps. His right hand is placed above her hip, her center of gravity and strength, so that she may be able to bear the strength of his right arm and hand without losing her balance. And, he said, the man should signal the lead so gently, so understatedly, that his lead would be almost imperceptible to anyone who was watching. Furthermore, the instructor said that with her right hand, the woman is to apply pressure against the man’s left hand, not to resist or fight against his lead, but just enough pressure so that a sort of dynamic union is formed --- like the bonding force of two opposite poles of a magnet --- so that the couple is truly unified, so that the couple can move smoothly as one unit. In other words, the instructor said, the woman is not to be a limp rag-doll in the hand of the man, being jerked and pushed around the dance floor, nor should she try to resist his lead. And I’m thinking to myself, “This is really good stuff!” (And this, by the way, was not a “Christian” dance class. The dance instructor did not know that he was offering marriage counseling!). And then he concluded with this question:  “Do you know what the whole point of dance is?” Now, that is one of those questions which you never really know how you’re supposed to answer; but that was the question: “Do you know what the whole point of dance is?” He said, the whole point of dance is … to make the woman look good. And I thought to myself, “Wow! There it is! That’s Ephesians 5:22-33 ---- the dance, which makes the woman beautiful.

Ephesians 5:22-33 is the primary passage in the New Testament on Christian marriage. But I hope that you noticed that I began the reading at verse 15, in order to place this passage in its broader context. We really could have begun the Scripture reading at Ephesians 1:1 (!) in order to understand the entire context of 5:22-33. The point is that Ephesians 5:22-33 must be interpreted in the context of the glorious gospel of salvation through Jesus Christ. If we do not interpret and apply this passage in light of the gospel, in light of the grace and mercy and love of God upon us through Jesus Christ, who loved us and gave up Himself for us, then we will not understand this passage. And that is the reason that the world hates this passage and rejects it, and the reason that many Christians have such difficulty with it. It must be read and understood and applied to our lives in light of the gospel and in the overall context of the Christian life.

 But, practically speaking, what does that mean? Well, for example, it means that Christian husbands and wives like all Christians in general, are urged to:

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. Walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us … (Ephesians 4:31—5:2).

Those instructions are addressed to us all, and therefore to all Christian husbands and wives. Likewise, 5:18-21, the immediately preceding passage, exhorts us,

… do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with all your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

This passage exhorts us as Christians to be intoxicated, so-to-speak, with the Holy Spirit: to have the Spirit of the living God enliven and cheer our spirits with joy and thanksgiving, such that we together as God’s people, the Church, are singing to one another, making melody in our hearts to the Lord, just slap-happy to be in fellowship with one another and with God through His Son, Jesus Christ. And in this happy, Spirit-intoxicated fellowship with one another, we are to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ; that is, we are to show our submission to Christ by submitting to one another. That means, as the Scripture elsewhere says, that we are to honor one another, esteem one another better than ourselves, seek not only our own interests but also the interests of one another, serving one another as Christ has served us, putting others first.

Now, does that sound like an oppressive, abusive, chauvinistic, backward, bone-headed way of life? Of course not! The Christian faith, including the application of this passage, is to be lived-out in love which builds-up others, not which hurts and tears them down. So, that’s the backdrop and context of the passage which begins at verse 22. That is the general context in which we must understand verses 22-33. All Christians are called to love one another and to submit to one another; but, specifically and particularly, wives are to submit to their husbands, as to the Lord; and husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church.

Now, please stay with me, and think about this:  although all Christians in general are called to submit to one another, it is also true that the Scripture instructs church members in general to submit to the leadership of the elders in particular. So, you see, mutual submission among all does not mean that there is no authoritative leadership in the church. There is authoritative leadership in the Church, vested in the elders, who submit themselves to the congregation through self-sacrificial service, bearing the responsibility and accountability for the well-being of the congregation.

            The same principle applies in Christian marriage. At one and the same time, there is to be mutual submission and authoritative leadership. Wives submit to their husbands by following their lead in the dance of marriage. Husbands are to lead in the dance, clearly, but with signals so gentle and loving, in the way of Christ, that the couple moves as one, with grace and beauty. That’s an ideal, I know; none of us gets it perfect. But it is the calling to which we are called.

Wives are instructed to submit to their husbands as to the Lord, showing respect for the authoritative leadership vested in the role of husband as head of the wife, as Christ is head of the church. The wife’s respect for her husband is an expression of her respect for the Lord’s ordering of the marriage covenant. Husbands are to exercise authoritative leadership, as the covenant head of the wife, through self-sacrificial, self-denying, self-giving love for their wives, as Christ loved the church. That is the way in which husbands “submit themselves” to their wives, by exercising their headship in a way that blesses their wives.

But what does it mean that, “…the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church”? The headship of the husband is a God-ordained, divinely-ordered, objective covenant reality in the marriage relationship, rooted in creation, in the Creator’s design. This headship expresses the creation order: the man was created first, to tend the garden and to guard it; and then the woman was created to be his suitable helper or companion. The husband’s covenantal headship also reflects the covenantal relationship between Christ and the church. This creation-order of the marriage covenant, which also reflects the covenant relationship between Christ and the church, is the theological basis for the view that the offices of authoritative leadership in the church, ruling and teaching elder, are to be filled by spiritually mature men. The creation-order, and the covenantal order between Christ and the church, would then be seen both in the home and in the church. In God’s ordering of creation, the man was created to be responsible and accountable for the lead in the dance.

But remember, the woman was created equal with the man, in the image of God. The woman is not something “less than” the man, but rather the “completion” of the man. Adam praised God and honored the woman, by saying, “This, at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh!” (Genesis 2:23). To say that the husband is the head of the wife is in no way at all to disparage or to denigrate or to insinuate an inferiority of the woman.

It may help you to see a covenantal analogy within the Trinity. (Hang in there, and stay with me). First Corinthians 11:3 says, “I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God (the Father).” God the Father is “the head” of Christ, His Son. There is a covenantal relationship and covenantal ordering between the Father and the Son. The Father and the Son are equal in substance, power, and glory. Jesus said, “I and the Father are one.” The Son of God, the Second Person of the Trinity, is fully God, “of one substance with the Father.”[i] While the Son of God is equal in deity with the Father, He is also subordinate and submissive to the covenantal authority of God the Father. The Father sent His Son into the world. Jesus said, “I seek not my own will, but the will of him who sent me: (John 5:30). God the Father and God the Son are equal, one, in essence; yet, the Scripture says, “the head of Christ is God (the Father).” So to say that “the husband is the head of the wife” does not mean that the wife is inferior to her husband, or less important, or to be less-valued and less-honored. We value, honor, esteem, and worship God the Son as equal with God the Father, though God the Father is the head of Christ.

Well then, what does Christian “headship” look like in Christian marriage? Well, it doesn’t look like a military commander giving orders to his troops. It doesn’t look like a football coach chewing-out his players. And it doesn’t look like a two year-old throwing a temper tantrum. Well, then, what does it look like? What does the Bible say? The Bible says that it looks like Christ on the cross. Yes, the word “head” denotes “authority,” a certain place of “primacy” in the marriage-covenant relationship, and, along with that, responsibility and accountability. But that authority and primacy must be expressed in the self-sacrificial leadership of love, as Christ loved the church and gave up himself for her.

Husbands, we could talk about lots of specific, practical ways to express this, but first of all, husbands, you need to be there as the guide and guardian and visionary leader of your marriage and family. Be more concerned about your wife than you are about yourself. Think of her needs more often than your wants. Build-up your wife, build-up your marriage, build-up your family life.  Tend and guard the garden. That is your calling and responsibility rooted in creation. Tend and guard the garden of your home. But understand, none of us can fulfill our God-given responsibility without real, practical self-denial and self-sacrifice. For one thing, men, it takes time and priority-commitment in order for us to love our wives as Christ loved the church. You may have to give up some things. Christ gave up His life; that’s what you and I are called to do.

And, remember what the dance instructor said? What’s the whole point of dance? The whole point of dance is to make the woman look good. The Scripture says that Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, that he might sanctify her … so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing … .” Christ died in order to “beautify” His bride, the Church. Now, of course, a husband cannot cleanse his wife’s sins (that is the work of Christ alone); and a husband cannot not spiritually sanctify his wife (that is the work of the Holy Spirit). But there is an earthly parallel. It is true, husbands, that as you love your wives with Christ-like love, as you care for her and cherish her, she will, as the years go by, become more and more beautiful with that inward beauty which radiates from a heart that knows that it is loved. Do you know women who, in their seventies, eighties, and nineties still have a sparkle in their eyes and a glow on their face, and a radiance of inner beauty and grace about them? They are women who are loved, or were loved, by husbands who cherished them and loved them with the love of Christ. They are women whose husbands lead (or led) them in the dance, with gentleness, devotion, and affectionate attention.

It is in the dance of marriage, as one, moving as one through life with all its varied steps, and rhythms, that husbands and wives show forth the mystery of Christ and the church: that union of faithfulness and love which binds Christ to His bride, and us to Him; that mystical union of intimacy with God through Jesus Christ. That’s what your marriage is all about: the mystery of oneness in marriage is a living picture of the mystery of the oneness of Christ and His Bride, the church.

That’s the dance that I’m still trying to learn, still working on getting the right steps in the right place at the right time. This dance takes a lot of time and practice, so do not despair and do not give up. Keep on dancing. And if you ever really get tripped up, just remember the concluding words of this passage: “Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respect her husband.”

Notice how this passage soars to the heights of the profound mystery of the mystical union of Christ and His Church, but then, just in case the mystery is too much for us to grasp (for it is!) the Apostle Paul, under the Holy Spirit brings the point back down to practical reality, and says, in effect, Just remember, men: what your wife needs first of all and more than anything else, and what she most desperately, most deeply wants to feel in her soul, is that you cherish her as the most precious treasure of your life. She wants and needs to know that you love her. She wants and needs to feel your love. And women, just remember: what your husband needs first of all and more than anything else --- though yes, he likes “TLC” --- what he most desperately, most deeply wants to feel in his soul, is that you respect him for who he is, that you honor him as the man whom God has placed in covenant headship. He wants and needs to know that you look up to him with respect, that you are happy to follow his lead in the dance.

So, with love and respect as one united step (not two), with love and respect as husband and wife, as one in God’s sight, dance to the glory of God! Amen.